I had a dream I was in the home of a woman I used to work with. Many of my belongings were there and it was time to leave. The woman was rolling her eyes at the fact that I was taking so long. I wondered why she didn’t offer to help me. The question arose, “Was she so eager for me to leave that she couldn’t stand to engage with me?” A feeling of sadness and hurt was present in my chest. In the next scenario we were at a goddess painting shop where the goddess paints items with her signature swirl and sparkle. It was my turn to have things painted. I was to choose three items. The first two were gifts for others and were easy to pick out. I was having trouble picking out the third item as it was for me. I really wanted to have her swirls on a plush bathrobe, but it was expensive. I don’t often buy myself things as I am a minimalist.
I also wanted to look around more as I wanted to see what was being offered. I felt like I needed time to myself in the space and was taking too long and wondered if the woman I came with was still rolling her eyes again waiting for me. Maybe I could come back for the third item. I asked how far it was from San Diego and then realized I don’t live there anymore. I knew it would be much longer to travel to this place from Michigan and it wouldn’t be convenient to just come back another time. Still, it felt wrong to take up so much time for myself.
When I awoke, that sadness and hurt was there. Just the day before I had watched a video of this woman, who I love and adore. I recall feeling melancholy after watching it as she had mentioned going to work on a project that I was not a part of anymore. While I know the Universe has a divine plan and everything is as it should be, the hurt from not being a part of that project anymore was sitting heavy in my chest. I decided to sit with this dream meaning as the tears welled up in my eyes.
I asked myself, “Why this sadness?” I was sad because I recall feeling judged by this woman and it hurt. I was still processing that. She said I was acting like a victim. At the time, I didn’t feel I was being a victim, but when I looked back at how I felt during that time together, I wasn’t my best self. I was ill from being in a marriage that was killing my soul and I realized that the space that I was holding for her and her participants was more than I was asking for in compensation. Participants are still sending me notes of how what I provided changed their lives.
As much as I love being on these projects, I’d always return depleted and in need of my own personal retreat. I needed a week to recover, which meant that I couldn’t work. If I didn’t work, I couldn’t pay the bills. It became a cycle that set my adrenals into a tailspin. As an empath, when I’m on a property with a group, such as my retreats, I hold the space AND process participant’s garbage for them. This isn’t something I try to do. All I knew was that I felt uncomfortable physically and sometimes emotionally and didn’t like it, that everybody else felt better and that I wanted a cat.
About six months ago an intuitive man told me that one of my life’s purposes is that I process the energy of those around me and that it’s not something intentional. I remembered all of the people including my family where I felt so much pain just being around them that I wanted to run. It took weeks to release the energy and to hear that there was nothing wrong with me and that it wasn’t my fault had me burst into tears.
What he said healed a part of me that I’d been making wrong for not being as hearty as I thought I should be. He said it just is what I’m here to do and that I need to get comfortable with these uncomfortable energies. He said this is why you need so much time alone to clear and recharge after processing everybody’s everything. He also said that cats clear energy and heal healers. No wonder this cutie blessing of our cat showed up on our front lawn happened as soon as I arrived in Michigan. It was just then that I realized I’d been doing this my whole life and why I cherish being alone so much and have had to let the ones I love know that I need this. Even having the kids here has me wanting to retreat. No wonder I never wanted children. No wonder I can’t wait for my sweetheart to go back to work on Mondays. No wonder I slept so well when I lived alone in the forest in San Diego. I needed to take care of my own inner child who had been yearning for time alone to recharge with all of the work I knew about and didn’t know I was doing.
Once I started learning how to release what had been collected, the retreats were awesome. Clearing people over the phone is easier and I have less clearing time after.
I was also sad that I was not invited to the next project my friend was having, especially now that I was feeling I could handle the processing and clearing uncomfortable part like a champ. It hurt because I felt labeled and thought this too would last forever, but it was coming to an end.
That being said, I also gained so much insight from being with the woman and being part of her community. The team she has supporting her is amazing and close bonds have been formed. The information she provides is also life changing and has had a profound impact on my daily life. I also have a community that I’ve started and new projects showing up out of nowhere. The Goddesses have been giving me downloads during meditations on a future retreat.
As a soul driven human, one thing we learn is that nothing can be, “The thing,” that lasts forever and to cherish the experiences as they come. What if those experiences made me who I am and they weren’t meant to last forever? What if I let go of what wants to be released so that the new can enter? I’d been holding this upset underneath the surface for too long, which was probably blocking me from moving forward. I also decided that it’s ok to be sad at the endings and changes. I’m human and can’t keep it together all the time. I won’t be sad forever as it’s not my nature to wallow for long. That’s the difference between victims and warriors. I decided to head straight into the sadness. I’d already done so much around healing from this particular thing and it felt like a lingering bit to deal with.
If you have been sad, moody, feeling off, clinging to the past, living life through a rear view mirror, not willing to change, trying to control everything or being afraid to just hang out and observe, there may be some release work to do. Take the lead now to free yourself from this bondage. Every time you take action for your healing is different and life changing as we heal in cycles over time.
- Acknowledge and heal the hurt from being judged and from being uninvited, excluded. Use a Reiki Master technique for dissolving energy and beliefs. If you haven’t trained with me feel free to use your own bag of tricks.
- Shamanic death ritual to let go of the baggage, which is simply old energy. In this Shamanic death ritual you ask Source/god/god to help while you imagine the old you going to sleep, being buried or whatever you fancy. One woman saw her old self on a raft surrounded by tea lite candles floating off into the sunset.
- Walk in nature hugging all of the trees possible and allow water of a stream or salt bath to carry any residue. For water ritual see video called, Heal Sadness, Be Happy on my YouTube channel.
- Sit in silence feeling gratitude for being able to move this energy coming through to be healed in this dream.
Thank you for coming along with me on this vulnerable journey. I hope this helps.