I will start off by saying that healers have their own work to do.
I had a dream there was a giant male being who looked into my eyes and said, “You are beautiful.” I felt it with all my being that he meant it and it felt so so good. When I awoke, I had a feeling that all was good in the world. You know that feeling when someone you love tells you you’re beautiful and your heart swells? For me, there was one man who used to make me feel like that. I always wondered why he saw me as beautiful when I didn’t. I had glimpses of this inner beauty right after a Reiki session. It was as if my eyes had light behind them.
But, why couldn’t I see me as beautiful each day? Was it all of the magazines and movies out there that influenced me? Was it the darkness inside of me that needed healing from traumatic experiences that had me make beliefs of not being good enough and unworthy?
When I was first starting out with meditation and spiritual practices, I had a vision I’ll never forget. A giant green being with dark hair was smiling at me. He looked like Hagrid in Harry Potter. My heart swelled with big love from that experience. With all of my heart I knew this was a benevolent being. My spiritual teacher mentioned giant beings that I resonate with on a different dimension as a planetary healer. The same being was in this dream where he said, “You are beautiful.” Over the holidays I had a heartbreak and was having panic attacks because I’d jumped in with all my heart, soul and resources. It felt like this being in my dream wanted me to know that no matter what is going on, to remember the beauty of my soul. No matter what I look like. No matter what mistakes I’ve made. No matter how foolish I have behaved. No matter my emotional maturity. No matter if my beliefs don’t resonate with others. No matter how poorly I was treated. No matter if I’m in a relationship or not. No matter if I have money or not. No matter if I’m happy, angry, scared or sad. No matter what others think, say or do, we are beautiful.
When I moved across the country, I was barely out of a divorce before this last relationship started. It was as if my soul had me on a rapid magic carpet ride to my next lesson. Even though I felt some red flags and had several dreams warning me, I couldn’t not go through with this next course for my growth.
As much as I wish it wasn’t how I grow, I transform by being in romantic relationships. This can be scary as I don’t like when they end. I know that’s always a possibility as I seem to outgrow my partners in leaps and bounds. I’ve tried to not grow, but the Universe smacks that out of me pretty quickly. It makes me not want to try again in love because of the excruciating pain that comes with uncoupling, yet, these relationships grow me beyond what words can express. My heart and soul won’t let me not move forward, whether it means moving into a relationship or breaking one off.
With this last relationship, I absolutely did not expect how things unfolded and yet, in the back of my mind I kind of did. Your soul knows. And unfold things did. I had physical injury after injury. Physical, mental and emotional chaos was rampant. All of my insecurities arose as a result of being off balance in a foreign land, in a new relationship and in a culture I’d never encountered. I tried with all my might to focus on the positive. Then came the mistake of needing to have validation from him and others. It was torture. When someone doesn’t accept you, they just don’t. When your values don’t align with someone, there is incompatibility. It’s the hard part of rushing into a relationship. You need time to see your love in many different areas of their life.
One of the most common things that comes through for my clients is to love you first. It’s as if this concept took a vacation this time to heal on a profound level. When he stopped saying I was beautiful, I wanted it more. It felt like a panic of losing him. What if it was that I had lost myself? I’ve been there before.
In my relationship training with understandmen.com, I know that our significant other can sense our lack of confidence and it kills attraction, yet these needy codependent behaviors crept in and reared their controlling heads. It’s a feeling like being on a roller coaster and you can’t get off. Have you ever felt like this?
Being a relationship expert, it’s embarrassing to admit I was in this place and am extremely uncomfortable sharing it with you, but I can’t NOT share if it will help even one person.
I have prided myself on being a strong, independent woman. I’m a grown ass adult, author and professional healer for Pete’s sake AND any professional who tells you they have it all together is not in integrity if you ask me. We all have our sh*t to heal. I think it all had to happen and truly believe it is all for great healing, lessons and growth to learn how to be my own best partner.
If you, like me, have ever had all of your securities stripped away from you and based your happiness on the validation of someone, there may be some inner child healing work to do. I remember starting this work over 20 years ago. Now, a decade later, 2020 is here, showing us where we need to pick up where we left off with things that we need to revisit, I’m picking right back up again with developing an even deeper relationship with me.
Luckily I love all things healing and have been healing daily using my best tools and energy clearing. I have cleared so many layers of residue in my heart and cells. My dreams and meditations have been fascinating.
As a result, I’ve begun once again, looking in the mirror into my eyes and saying, “I love you.” “I am enough.” “I matter as I am.” “I am beautiful as I am.” While saying those things are good, NOTHING has had such a profound effect as the moment I looked into the mirror in my eyes and said, “Inner child me, I’ve made a real mess here and have had my toxic goggles on, trying to stay in a relationship and live in a part of the country where I don’t belong. I have tried to override my spidy senses when things smelled fishy. I’ve tried to conform to fit in. I don’t know how to really love you. Could you show me how to love you?”
In that exact moment I burst into tears. It’s as if my inner child had been longing for this moment, being patient all these years, watching me suffer, waiting for me to connect in this way with her and finally value her wisdom. I’ve been asking her what she wants me to say to her. She wants me to tell her she’s beautiful and smart. I was going to make a fried egg for dinner before meditation. Her soft whisper asked if she could have an omelet instead with kale, mushrooms, cheese, and cut up hot dog, like she ate as a child. Luckily I have all of the healthy versions of these items that fool the palate and resonate with my body. This morning she wanted music during push-ups time. She chose Under the Sea from the movie, The Little Mermaid. That got me dancing around the house. She’s fun. I’m thinking I’ll consult her on everything now moving forward. I am becoming my own best partner of my life needing only myself to know I’m beautiful. I can’t wait to return to the West Coast and be back with the ocean and all of those people I love so much.