Right now we have several planets that have gone retrograde so it’s beneficial to reflect and review, especially with the time we’ve been given right now during quarantine. I’m reviewing everything, especially love.

I heard a song this morning upon waking. It was from the movie, There’s Something About Mary called, Close to You, by the Carpenters.

The lyrics that I heard were, “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?” The message that I received for this was to turn inward and sing this song to myself. After what felt like being obliterated in my last relationship, I am on an inward path. For the first time in my life I am not on the lookout for a partner, nor am I in a hurry to find someone. It’s the first time since I was 10 years old to not feel that hunger to be in a relationship that always occurred shortly after coming out of relationships. My Feng Shui consultant, Dara Eden, says it’s in my element to grow the most through romantic relationships, which helped me not beat myself up over having so many that didn’t turn out. I’ve done so much reflecting on how I could have been so blind, didn’t heed the red flags and jumped in so quickly. Well it was my unhealed codependent inner child in the driver’s seat.

One of my friends had a dream before I left San Diego. It was that everyone around me was yelling, “Don’t go!” She saw me looking up at the light and going anyway. Our friend told her to tell me the dream and she decided not to as she knew I just HAD to go… to Michigan that is.

That is exactly what I was doing without knowing it. I was embarking on my next BIG rebirth. It hit hard, like the rest of them.

During what seemed like an eternity, actually only a year and nine months, I learned so much about speaking up for myself during the relationship, during the break up and following the break up. For the first time in my life, I’d say I’m well practiced at honoring myself. No longer will I abandon my values, my little girl inside, for anyone. I am no longer the pleaser, nor am I going to go along with something that isn’t in alignment with who I am.

I also believe we hired each other before we came to this planet to teach each other our big lessons.

I have also been able to have closure on the love I had always wondered about since a child. My little girl’s heart gets to heal with extremely painful waves crashing down at times. I’ve been holding her tight as I fall asleep. My stomach hurts less and less over time with the shock of being betrayed by someone I thought would never hurt me. I also believe that nobody can hurt you without your permission and nobody can do anything to you that you haven’t already done to yourself. I abandoned myself over and over in that last one. Having compassion for my old behaviors, his old behaviors and forgiving us both feels like a never ending healing process filled with shame and blame moments.

I know with break ups, time is healing and that we heal in cycles. One of the dreams I had was of my first ex husband. Another big ego kick in the stomach,  heart sinking time. That one still comes in for a heart cleansing and I honor when my heart is ready.

Mostly I feel relief to be back in California. It feels really good to be with me and to be single for the longest in my life. Celebrating four months of being single!

I also was able to prove to myself that I could survive the cold AND I don’t want to just survive. I’m here to thrive and I do that best in a warm climate.

Lastly, I have a tangible feeling of what it was like to be with someone who respected my body. That I’ll never forget and will not settle for anything less.