I get this question A LOT. I had a dream for a client who’s thinking of ending her two-year relationship. The dream I had for her was where I was in an old fashioned home, which usually symbolizes a childhood home, therefore a childhood wound. She was making copies and her boyfriend had come home expecting she would have completed a spreadsheet she had volunteered to do for him. She had all day to complete it and kept procrastinating. When he arrived she was printing things and feeling grateful for all of the ways in which her boyfriend provides for her. She went up to him and started to hug him and he was stiff and unreceptive. She removed herself from the one sided hug and wanted to cry.
I couldn’t tell from the dream if he was angry about the spreadsheet not being done that he needed or if he was not wanting to be with her anymore. It could even represent that he’s not emotionally available to her. Either way, him being distant was upsetting to my client.
When I spoke with her, she said he’s been doing this cold shoulder thing off and on for about a year. She wonders if he can feel that she wants to end the relationship as she wants someone who is available and reciprocal in affection.
One thing that’s important for her, though, is that she receive healing for what is inside of her that has her replaying this painful dynamic and has had her stay with someone who treats her like this.
If you recall the old fashioned home from the dream, it is a symbol of needing healing from her childhood. When one or both parents are emotionally unavailable, it is important to do our inner work so that we can heal that wound of unworthiness, rejection and hurt so that we don’t have to play these patterns out with a romantic partner. These wounds go deep and may have several layers upon layers, so please be patient with yourself when it seems it will never be gone. I promise you, it will get lighter and lighter the less you judge when it arises and the more you tend to it. Imagine how weeds are. This is the work. We do it and eventually, there won’t be any weeds; maybe a straggler will appear at times.
There’s a book I read called, The Inner Matrix, by Joey Klein. Joey explains that the challenges we have in our life are a call for inner healing. He also shared what brain science has measured with raw emotions having the life of a minute and a half if there is no fuel added to them like our stories, memories, beliefs, conclusions or thoughts. He shares a technique where you acknowledge a painful emotion that you’d like to transform. I’ve used it so much this year due to so many ups and downs of these times, which I heard are not to be over until 2026, so please start now if you haven’t started tending to your inner workings. If you’d like my help, I’m still making space in my calendar for one on one calls. How to tend to these weeds:
- You recall the circumstance, feel the emotion for ninety seconds, while sending the cause into a violet flame. You just feel the raw emotion without adding story to prolong the length of the emotion.
- Then you think what emotion you’d like to practice. Think of a time when you felt that emotion and feel it. Remove the circumstance and feel that raw emotion noticing what it feels like to practice it. So often we are used to practicing the fear and suffering based emotions on autopilot. We spend lots of time and energy talking about it, wallowing in it and not living our best lives. There’s a difference between acknowledging and releasing negative emotions and wallowing and keeping them alive. It takes effort and commitment to being a different way to make change in our lives.
- Lastly, take that emotion you practiced and super impose it onto the original circumstance and imagine yourself still having that situation, only you’re feeling a love based emotion.
This is what I walked my client through. People respond to the vibe we are putting out. Vibrations of love are real and it starts with us. My client felt such a relief inside and was able to take care of herself by starting to work out and showing up as the person she wants to be in her relationship. Whether this is the forever guy for her or not, she’s doing her best to be her best. She said, “I’m getting along with him now and keeping my mind open. I’m more playful than bitchy, spunky and confident. Just today he brought me some salts for my bath and is kissing me with open arms.”