I had a dream where a woman was hugging a little girl. Then I saw that same little girl across the room angrily scribbling on the television. I thought, “She’s angry!” I kept asking her how I could help her and she just kept scribbling without speaking.
When I awoke, I knew that this had something to do with the inner child healing I’d been doing. I had been welcoming my inner child to reveal herself to me in meditations. I felt helpless in the dream because she wouldn’t or couldn’t speak to me.
The fact that there were two of the same girl in the dream, told me that I had some fragmentation from different traumas in childhood. One of the girls wanted and welcomed comfort in the form of cuddles, while the other angry one didn’t want to be touched at all. After meditating on it, I saw that this angry one wanted to be able to express the anger. The fact that she was scribbling on the television told me that she wanted to be seen and heard. It came to me that she wasn’t ever able to have a voice.
I decided to give her the pen and paper through a journaling exercise. I found it interesting that the pen I had in my hand was a ballpoint pen with red ink, as red has been associated with the emotion of anger. I lovingly asked the angry inner child this question, “Why are you angry?”
She said, “Why couldn’t I be normal? Why did everyone always ask me why I was so sad? Why all the yelling? Why did Dad have to be gone? Why did he leave? Why couldn’t I have that boy I loved so much? Why couldn’t I just be happy and have a healthy family without police coming? The why’s went on and on with awful happenings that I would never wish on anyone. My mouth dropped open as I allowed for what the angry little girl had to say. I asked her if I could hold her hand and she agreed to let me. I sat with her and let her express until there was a profound letting go.
I told her I was sorry for all of that and asked if she could let me take care of her. We wept together. While I do remember my parents trying to do good things for us and taking care of my needs, I have huge compassion for this child who had such terrible things happen to her.
If you suspect you may have an angry inner child who had no voice, I highly recommend giving him/her the pen. Once you’ve allowed for this process, it is important to amp up the self-care and let yourself just be raw and rest after what reveals itself. It may be a lot to digest. Go in nature. Do not sit for too long with what has just been brought out. Move your body with some yoga and soft music or go for a walk. It is important to let it move on out.
Taking the time to be with the inner child has been profound for me. It is also important to know that we are not what has happened to us. Acknowledging it and letting it go is healing.