When I was on a date with a guy in San Diego, I remember we talked about our past relationships. He said, “Wow! You don’t seem jaded like the majority of women I’ve met.” I remember telling him that I’ve had thoughts of giving up all the time. I choose to deal with the emotions so I don’t sink down with a build up of heaviness. I’ve also heard these false beliefs and statements from my clients going through a divorce or a break up. Divorce has been the most painful experience for me too. A part of you is dying. It’s normal to have a hard time getting through because we are grieving the dream we once had.
The thoughts or beliefs looked like:
I should just be alone.
Why even get out of bed?
I won’t ever find what I’m looking for.
Why even try?
It’s embarrassing going for love and failing once again.
I can’t have a good partner.
Why can everyone else have a good partner?
I’m too difficult.
I’m too messed up to be with someone good for me.
I attract the wrong guy.
I’m not meant to be happy in love.
I’m too old to do this.
Nobody wants me.
I give up.
The thoughts go on and on… if we let them.
A common theme here is an attitude of defeat. You have been beaten down enough times, meaning, hurt, let down, that you want to throw in the towel. Now, if you are in a toxic relationship, by all means, get out. I’m talking about feeling defeated in your love life.
One of the things that is happening when we want to give up, is a clearing out of old muck. We are bummed that we don’t yet have the love we want. It feels like a let down from the universe. It feels like we can’t trust ourselves to choose a good partner for us. Whether we are in an unhappy relationship or single, these thoughts can arise. If we look deeper and peek underneath the thought, these may have formed as beliefs in the moment we experienced extreme heartache. Or we look at our past relationships and feel our love balloon has no air left in it.
The best thing to do if you feel like giving up is to feel the pain of it. If we allow ourselves to ruminate in the sadness, rejection, anger, pain, I promise it won’t make you a victim. We won’t let ourselves stay there forever. We feel them until they are gone. That is how a raw emotion dissipates. If we add story while we are feeling it, that is like putting gasoline on a fire. Don’t do that. Just feel the emotion that arises without adding story and will get better. Brain studies on emotions show that a raw thought dissipates after ninety seconds if we don’t add other thoughts to fuel it. If we fight these feelings and push them away or busy ourselves thinking they will just vanish, we are mistaken. We are emotional beings and need to honor our emotions.
These memories and feelings are getting our attention for us to review what went wrong in order for us to recognize what we do want. Relationships teach us something, whether they work out our not. We came here to grow. Let yourself feel and reflect on the hurtful times. We don’t have to stay there forever. They are begging for help releasing.
Once you have felt the feelings long enough to release, move into doing something that brings you peace. Move your body by taking a shower, doing some stretching, yoga or going for a walk.
When we grieve our losses, we are changed. We can change in a good way. Know you are a good person, learning and growing and deserve to have a good love life. We don’t have to be hardened by the terrible things that happen to us. Hold your hand through it and accept support. We never know the timing of when it will happen for us. One of my clients has had a three year healing once a week and has recently met such an amazing man who thinks she’s amazing. My client showed up week after week for her clearing and love coaching. We dealt with what showed up each time. She never gave up, although she needed to move through these very same feelings of wanting to give up. Know that it is possible to have what you want in love. With each lesson, comes wisdom for that new relationship or new beginning in your current relationship.